This overly quotation marked, utterly insane-looking little place just opened up in my town. I just had to point it out. I’m just mean like that, I can’t help it. It looks terrifying, but I respect it because at least it’s not yet another toiletty cookie cutter fakey Chinese place or rubbery pizza joint. But still. Usually I make a point to try every new restaurant in town, but even for purposes of ridicule I don’t think I can stomach this one.
I count 36 typos on the site, including all uses of the non-word “da,” misspellings, improper punctuation, lack of dashes/lack of punctuation, and inappropriate quotation marks.
Let me be clear: I love my little mountain town. I more than love it, I’m in love with it.
Here’s your typical New Paltz bulletin board:
High Vibrational House Cleaning, GO GREEN! and a moon rolling around on an anthropomorphic block of wood talking about ideas and dreams. Pretty representative. This is a town that, until recently, had no less than four places to buy crystals. Now one of the crystals shops has become a baby clothing store.
I’m not sure if this is an improvement or not.
But the food scene is just horrifying. And because I am the cold-hearted bitch that I am, here I go: my icy-cold New Paltz Restaurant Roundup.
If I get a bunch of comments from good-hearted people telling me it’s just too mean, I’ll take it down, I promise. It’s a tiny town, and I know I’m making enemies, but I just can’t help it.
To soften the blows are lovely pictures of the supremely, joyously arty windows of the most awesome art store on the planet, Manny’s – enjoy!
Oh – one thing before we begin – did you all catch my super rad letter to the New Paltz Times this week? No? Well, allow me to point it out – scroll down a bit, and ignore the idiotic headline, which I of course did not write.
So. The truth is, New Paltz is full of mediocre restaurants serving the same old junk, most of which go out of business within a few months because their owners seem to think that running a restaurant is easy money instead of one of the hardest jobs around with the tightest profit margins imaginable (hello, promising-yet-rather-nightmarish-yet-still-promising Naomi’s Cafe! Hello Morning Brew!). Why these overly friendly yet utterly vapid people flock to New Paltz I do not know.
There are a few good places – thank god for Karma Road’s smoothies, Suruchi has vastly improved and though the hostess is still chilly their tasty dosas balance out all flaws (and for the record I’d be chilly too, if I was running a restaurant and dealing with idiot diners), Hokkaido is almost perfect (though others say Tokyo has the best sushi), Mudd Puddle makes a lovely vegan sandwich (ask for the veggie panini with no cheese – the salad dressing has honey and I feel so naughty when they so politely point this out and I order it anyway) as well as expertly made fresh-roasted coffee and high quality tea. They are also the only café in town to use the gold standard of soymilk, Silk.
Yanni’s has lots of cheap and tasty veggie options (their Imam Baldi* is an oily feast of sheer eggplanty happiness on a plate), Moonlight Cafe has cheap low-quality grub that I sometimes crave (the koshari is lovely, although I wish the lentils were French, the tomato sauce was not so canned, and there were four times as many fried onions on top).
I adore Village Tea Room and wish them much continued success, but they never change their vegan options, with the exception of the soup. I can only go there once a year without dying of boredom. But still, their little cake with the icing that looks like honeybees is so damn cute, and they buy lots of local produce, and no one is perfect.
Beso looks lovely, but their only vegetarian option every time I’ve looked at the menu is usually some horrid portobello mushroom cliché, which I will not deign to eat.
The Cheese Plate has the only real bread in town, as well as lovely fancy jams and specialty food goodies. Full disclosure: I sell my truffles there.
Harvest Cafe is meh (once in a while you will get a lovely vegan entrée, but if you travel in a vegan pack as I do, going to restaurants where you all have to order the same meal gets old fast), Lemongrass has NOTHING without fish sauce, has anyone tried that Caribbean place near the Thruway? I keep meaning to.
I’ve gotten pieces of chicken mixed with my hash browns twice at Main St. Bistro and will never eat there again.
Of course I’ve never tried the fratty meat market hamburger places – the ones where sorority girls hang out with no jackets on in February at 3 am every weekend – P&Gs, McGillicuddy’s, and Murphy’s.
The Gilded Otter is not bad (their homemade root beer sounds so exciting, but the flavor is no where near as sharp and delicious as homemade root beer should properly be, it’s more like root beer syrup with seltzer), neither is Main Course and Bacchus – although I once had a hilarious exchange with a Bacchus waitress when I asked if the refried beans were vegan.
“I have no idea,” she said, smiling (people in New Paltz smile a lot, this is true).
“Well, do you think you could find out?”
“Um…there’s really no way of knowing.”
This was an interesting comment in a existential way, a sort of observation on the unknowable nature of the universe, but I was just hungry and love those sloppy canned refried beans and was about to ask her to bring me the can, but I refrained. A year later (a Bacchus-refried-beans-less year, sadly), I asked another waitress, and she immediately answered that they were vegan, thus revealing previously unknown worlds of knowing and kind of blowing my mind.
Bacchus is a great place to drink, however, as is the sake bar at Oasis. When Bacchus’ sweet potato fries are properly cooked and piping hot they are the apex of what sweet potato fries could be. When not, they are not.
If you are fond of burritos, Mexicali Blue has perfect ones, complete with homemade delicious hot sauces. I happen not to be all that fond of burritos, which is somewhat of a personal defect, I suppose.
Speaking of things wrapped in things, I will never eat at Wrapsody Grill, for obvious reasons involving made-up portmanteau words and the fact that “wraps” are the worst invention ever.
I have an uncontrollable urge to put the word “wraps” in quotes, perhaps because of a wish that food items named “wraps” didn’t actually exist in the same universe in which I am doomed to live. In my book (and what an overly comma-ed, overlong, vinegary book that is), wraps are the devolution of the sandwich.
Sandwiches were a perfectly lovely – sometimes transcendent – lunch until terrible bread came along and ruined them. Now sandwiches are in grave danger of being replaced entirely by this hideous spherical step-sister with its cardboard “spinach” flavored exterior and terrifyingly disorganized tumble of haphazard fillings. No matter how edible a wrap is, it will never be transcendent, and its edibility is still under debate – have you ever looked at the ingredients of the foodlike sheet of refined carbs marketed as a “wrap”?).
And yes, I know that “wrapsody” is not a portmanteau. Is there a word that describes a word that is trying to be witty but fails terribly and is thus destined to live as merely a deliberately misspelled word?
Taco Shack. The Shack, as I and only I call it, remains my favorite restaurant in town. Seriously! I would seriously, unironically go there every day and for every celebratory dinner, if people would join me. Yes, it is a shack. But the tacos are perfect in a grubby, wonderful way. Everything at The Shack is probably from a can, and while it’s certainly not the way I cook, a part of my heart will always proudly stand with messy tacos with nothing to prove.
Neko Sushi just might be the absolute worst sushi place in the universe. The rice is either undercooked or overcooked, the tea is lukewarm and low-quality, the soy sauce is bottom-of-the-barrel, the atmosphere is bleh, temperatures are always off (cold when it should be hot, room temp when it should be cold), the miso eggplant is undercooked. They have a huge selection of veggie options and some interesting rolls made quite badly.
And what’s with rolling nori rolls into dangerously wrap-like pinwheel rolls instead of circles? Have you noticed this? Having made my fair share of sushi in my day, it just feels like cheating to roll everything up into one big fruit roll up thing instead of making a proper sphere in which nori is only on the outside. If this is some traditional way of making rolls that I have never come across let me know, because it seems wrong to me.
I’m trying to restrain myself from writing a whole paragraph about how debauched I find the newish ice cream shop (the one near Taco Shack). The truth is that if they used local dairy and good ingredients and took classes to learn how to make real sorbet – not artificially-flavored ice – their cones would be $6 a piece and no one would buy them.
Sigh.
Most of these places are so well-intentioned – truly sweet people trying to live out their passions. The problem, of course, is that most people just aren’t all that smart and don’t have good palates or any idea of what makes good food. They get caught in the nether region between trying to have a good life doing something they enjoy and trying to make a profit, and you can’t really blame them for their Sysco-stink, pre-shredded lettuce, or same dishes the four other restaurants on the block make.
The people to blame are really the citizens of New Paltz, whose palates are so impoverished that they can’t tell a good place (my beloved, dead La Parmigania, where the adorably-tattooed owner grew his own basil and made his own flatbread) and the other slightly cheaper but vastly more hideous Middle Easternish places on the block. I think someone once counted 7 pizza places in this tiny, tiny town. Since La Parmigania died its sad death (yes, they were a Middle Eastern place run by a Greek guy making pizza – good restaurants are quirky restaurants, don’t you know that?), my favorite is Rino’s.
People are idiots that way. They don’t deserve good food, they are so satisfied with bad.
Don’t even get me started on places outside of New Paltz – I might start talking about Rosendale Café, which would be a grave, mistake. As would going there, with the exception that the space is super cute, people are super nice, and they sometimes have good music. The food is actually not all that bad – the main problem is that they have not changed their menu in the four years I’ve been living up here. But they get points for being vegetarian. (OK, update: I went there last night. The food is in the B- range – this is an excellent grade for New Paltz-area restaurants, B- is a compliment, truly! – and they do have a good number of specials that hopefully rotate. But in no way can a dish be called “chili” when it is merely rice and beans with tomatoes and onions on top. Also: tortilla chips accompanying every sandwich does not an excellent sandwich platter make. But they are still a damn cute restaurant, and I’m glad they are there.) That vegan place in Woodstock (Garden Café on The Green) is fabulous, as is the vegan place in Tivoli (Luna 61). Aside from those, it’s best to get yourself to NYC and its 100+ veggie restaurants.
I had a perfectly flavored, appropriately-sized, reasonably-priced, all-around wonderful Valentine’s Day dinner at the justifiably famous Candle Café recently – such a pleasure.
Civilization!
Thank god it’s only 1.5 hours away.
Hey! Speaking of god, I really like Robin’s Fruits and Vegetables.
It’s not a restaurant and they don’t sell anything organic [update! Less than a month after this post originally appeared, organic produce magically appeared at Robin's! Coincidence??], which is annoying, but they do have some local produce and they are a truly sweet neighborhood spot. Their display board across from the parking lot used to read “God Bless America.” Maybe everyone was as annoyed by this as I was, because it was quickly changed to “God Bless the World,” which I minded much less. Several months later the sign got even better:
OK, you can’t really see it, but it says “God less the World” – hooray!
*Within the dishes-named-after-religious-figures genre, Imam baldie (“the Imam fainted”) is a close second to the best named dish of all time, strozzapretti – “priest chokers”!
PS: Thanks to AD for the link to the-pasta-place-we-shall-not-name-lest-our-mean-spirited-critique-of-them-comes-
up-on-a-google-search-and-lets-hope-they-don’t-ever-look-at-people-who-link-to-
their-site.
Maybe I’m just mean, but please–don’t ever delete this little gem.
Hi Lagusta
I appreciate your kind comments about my restaurant. I would like to point out that although we are not a vegetarian or vegan restaurant we have two vegan entrees as well as a vegan soup daily. We also serve Mesclun greens from a local farm (vegan) and one of the entrees- the salad plate – is composed of three salads. The roasted sweet potato salad, the quinoa salad with mint and fennel and a third that changes every couple of days. This past week we had a chick pea salad with red peppers, ginger and cumin, followed by a fennel & orange salad, followed by a gingered bulghur salad with red grapes. The individual components of these salads are very labour intensive, (some are organic) and we struggle to offer this dish for $10.
We also serve vegan Brownies and Banana Oatmeal Cookies.
In addition we have four vegetarian offerings on the lunch menu and all our bread is organic. We began using symbols on the menu a year ago, to denote vegan, vegetarian and gluten free.
These dishes may bore you – but I must tell you that they have a devoted following (many non-vegans among them) and as a restaurant owner I can not afford to create a signature item and then change it at a whim. Unfortunately we are not sustained solely by the population of New Paltz. We are a destination restaurant. We’ve worked hard to establish a reputation for excellence and consistency. In a 200 sq foot kitchen we supply the bakery shop, a breakfast menu, a tapas & lunch menu and an afternoon tea menu as well as our dinner menu.
Advice has been plentiful. We should advertise more…we should have more meat dishes…we should have more vegan…we should have fat free scones…we should have diabetic friendly baked goods…and the allergies!
In creating a restaurant that is a reflection of my own idiosyncratic tastes in food, I have tried to please my guests without compromising my original vision. So there will be no fat free baked goods, but I can let Celiacs know that we don’t add flour to the chicken pan gravy and offer some beautiful salads that happen to be vegan and remain a restaurant unlike any other, that takes advantage of the bounty of the Hudson Valley and is committed to linking pleasure and food with awareness and responsibility.
Hello Agnes! Although I am a terrible grump, I completely understand and really do love the Village Tea Room, as I said. I admire what you’re doing and am happy you’re doing it, and know that no restaurant except the one lurking in my head will ever fulfill my own vision of a perfect restaurant – nor should it! Me complaining about a lack of vegan options isn’t exactly complaining about you – I understand that it’s not completely what people want. My complaining is mostly because it’s not what people want, if that makes any sense.
[...] I’m proud to be paying off my school debt while being able to afford dinner out now and then (not that there is anywhere to go) and knowing that my money is made in line with my [...]
[...] kitchen and didn’t turn on the walk-in fridge until three days ago, I have been eating out. As you might recall, I adore my little upstate town but it’s not an eating mecca for vegans who love to eat [...]
You must have a whole lot of time and money to go out to eat as often as you seem to. I think the f-word on your site is really unnecessary. Anything positive happening in your life?
she’s no fuckin richie rich
It’s not that expensive to go to one restaurant in New Paltz every so often over an extended period of time. There really aren’t that many places to eat.
So basically, Valerie, sit down and shut the hell up. Come back when you shed this hippie dippy bullshit and grow a damn sense of humor.
Oh. My. God.
I just moved here to New Paltz and I’m still getting acquainted with the town. However, I have to say that while I find your opinions helpful in many ways…some of your opinions on these restaurants are ridiculous.
You refuse to eat at Wrapsody’s (I haven’t been there yet) because you dislike the deliberate misspelling? Are you THAT anal about life? I haven’t tried their food but I think it’s a cute name. Furthermore, it’s one thing to say you don’t like wraps, but I just don’t get your reasons for disliking them. Rather than judging on taste, you’re acting petty over what the wrap itself is made out of and about the disorganization of the inner ingredients.
You seem to get so upset over the smallest things…can’t you just look at the whole picture? Furthermore, I understand people’s reasons for going vegetarian (I will never understand vegans, though…sorry), but I can’t help but feel that by doing so, you’re limiting your own options. Restaurants should not have to cater to your personal preferences on life itself. They only serve one or two vegan dishes because you guys should be happy enough eating lettuce (not pre-shredded of course, Heaven *forbid* it’s pre-shredded) for the rest of your lives.
That was rude, and I apologize, but I won’t go back and delete that statement.
I agree that Hokkaido is superior to Neko, but most of the places I’ve been to in town so far are good. The food is not that bad. New Paltz, in my opinion, isn’t exactly the food capital (capitol?) of the world. The food’s good and there’s variety. Stop expecting so much out of life and maybe you’ll actually enjoy yourself one of these days.
Or, you know, you can just be a judge on a Top Chef season finale and eat amazing food so you’ll be satisfied.
There is a difference between food that is terrible and food that isn’t necessarily golden, but still tasty and satisfying.
…..And this is just getting it out of my system: OH NOEZ you’ve ordered salad dressing with HONEY in it!!! The poor bees!
>_>; Sorry.
Yo John!
Welcome to town!
Thanks for your thoughts. You said:
“Stop expecting so much out of life and maybe you’ll actually enjoy yourself one of these days.”
The two aren’t mutually exclusive, you know. I expect a LOT out of a restaurant – good vegan options, no preshredded lettuce (seriously, that shit is wack), and so so much more. Why shouldn’t I? I appreciate quality. I appreciate hard work. I appreciate honesty and artisan care.
But in case you’re worried about me, you should know that I really enjoy myself in general, in New Paltz, and at even bad restaurants.
I really, really enjoyed writing this post, actually. You, on the other hand, don’t get my humor or my sensibilities. Which is cool too. Everyone’s different.
Not owning a TV, I do not know this “Top Chef” reference you use, but if it helps, I eat out in NYC whenever I’m there.
And yea, the poor bees. The fucking queen bees are raped in industrial honey production, yo. And they are burned alive at the end of the season. Google it. I don’t give a shit if you think I’m silly or not, but if I can die without a goddamn queen bee’s raping on my shoulders (and if all it means is that I live without one stupid salad dressing), I’m going to do that.
I gently shoo spiders out of my house too. I blow them kisses as I deposit them on the lawn.
I vehemently (is this the right word?) apologize for any rudeness that may be inherent in my previous comment.
I didn’t know that about bees. Personally I can’t go vegan because I love animal products, including meat (though not as much red meat, plzkthx), so I feel terrible knowing that I’m supporting this whenever I eat honey mustard, but I’m too accustomed to my daily life to put a stop to it. I guess I feel like vegans have their purpose, and I have my own.
You’re right, I don’t get your humor or sensibilities, but reading your comments, I’m glad there are people who do.
When I go to a restaurant, I actually *don’t* expect a lot, because I know the places I’m dining at aren’t exactly 5-star restaurants. I don’t expect crap, but when there are people starving in the world, I can enjoy a second-rate meal without complaining.
Your problem with shredded lettuce, I shall never understand, but I know people who can’t eat celery because “it’s a textual thing,” so whatever. People have their quirks, I guess.
Top Chef is a reality TV show about the culinary world and those who strive to excel in it. Lots of big names are attached to it, and watching it always makes me wish I could cook for *real*.
So, yeah. New Paltz is a fun town. I’m wondering, though, if you can point out the apparent shortcomings of Naomi’s Cafe? I’m hoping to try that place out next. =)
What a fun review! I get a good feeling from knowing that the things that make up the fabric of my day (admiring the lovely display at Manny’s as I’m on my way to get another delicious burrito at mexicali, for example) are shared with so many others who I might not know, but who know what I know – if that makes sense. I suppose it’s what community is all about…
Anywho – I think for the most part your reviews were spot-on (Amen on your Neko Sushi criticisms!), but I must weigh in on just a few points:
1. Taco Shack? Really?! Talk about shredded lettuce – the colorless, flavorless mexican mess that that place churns out is a trip down memory lane to school lunch at duzine for me. I’m not sure where your fondness comes from, but I’ll have to chalk it up to nostalgia.
2. Bacchus USED to be good. I remember a time when I thought their menu was divine — but something seems to have gone horribly wrong in their kitchen in the spring of ‘07 and now I just stick to the bar menu when I’ve got late night munchies. Way too little bang for way too much buck there, although they do have a really tasty mexican-italian salad dressing that I would buy by the bottle if they sold it separately from the terrible meal it typically accompanies.
3. I don’t know if the Otter even deserves to be classified as “not bad,” I would say that they (and Bacchus for that matter) are actually just P&G’s and McGillicuddy’s with wealthier patrons. As a matter of fact, I would put money down that in a blind taste test, P&G’s fare (the best of the worst) would beat Otter fare (the worst of the best) hands down. Granted, they both serve greasy, low quality, unhealthy, makes-you-want-to-take-a-nap-after-eating crap, but somebody’s got to do it and I would argue that in NP, P&G’s does it the best. Now, in terms of ambiance, Otter clearly wins and on a Friday night you’re about 100 times more likely to find me sitting there than at P&G’s, but in either case, I probably wouldn’t be eating anything.
4. Suruchi is a delight – although the family that runs the uptown Indian place are so pleasant that they can make it worthwhile to endure the higher prices, lower quality and less pleasing atmosphere.
5. The Mudd Puddle is by far the best coffee shop in town, but I must inform you that the Bakery also uses Silk (or at least did) – let’s be clear, however, that this by no means implies that anyone should anyone eat the desserts there unless you are feeling that you could use a little more crisco in your diet.
6. Cheese Plate, Tea Room, Main Course – Right on. All are at the top of the list of my NP favorites. They expensive, but so worth it.
7. Robins is a gem.
8. You ventured into the fringe of NP in a northen direction, but I wonder if you’ve ever experienced what may well be the finest area dining experience, just slightly to our west: the venerable Mountain Brauhaus. Chock full of standard, sticks-to-your-ribs fare, as well an impressive array of exotic, modern, healthful delights (and now featuring many Local Items on the menu!!), the Brahaus should never be overlooked when considering the area’s best culinary offerings.
9. I and many others have been suffering for few years now from a crippling addiction to Mexicali Burritos. They are indeed perfect, but let it be known that a sinister force has descended upon the town (I think they must be under new management), hell-bent on breaking our habits by making the burritos smaller, “fancier” and ultimately less appealing. Let it be known that the devoted following of Burrito lovers are wary of these new changes, and in the wake of too much tampering with our beloved rolls of joy, we are prepared to take our addictions elsewhere.
Thank you NP Friend!
I’ve heard that Mountain Brauhaus is great – but also that there are pretty much no vegan options. Maybe I’ll give it another look.
And I freely admit that Taco Shack is not good according to my personal qualifications of what makes food good. I totally own that. If I’m going to be honest, I could also admit that Taco Shack must have something to do with my childhood in the Southwest. I only eat there every couple of months, and it fills some sort of void I have for sloppy tacos.
And YES about Bacchus. It must be admitted that everything but the sweet potato fries is pretty bad – fairly decent ideas executed horribly. And even the sweet potato fries are often cold and soggy. But so many good beers! And inasmuch as I have a home bar that bar is Bacchus, so what can you do.
And double YES about The Gilded Otter! They have lots of vegan options, but none are particularly palatable. I can happily say I’ve still never been to P&Gs or McGillicuddy’s, so I can’t compare, but your comments are certainly food for thought.
I totally feel for your addiction to Mexicali burritos – my partner suffers from the same affliction, and wants to go there on the way home from the airport every time he comes home from traveling. A part of me does think their burritos are too big (I always eat half then take the other half home pretending I will eat it later, then I throw it in the compost pile in a few days), but I am also wary of any change in their magical formula – thanks for the tip!
Oh – my chef pal Natalie reported to me last night that the wine bar, 36 Main (what geniuses think of these ultra-descriptive restaurant names?), is quite nice, though it probably doesn’t have much in the way of vegan options. Has anyone else tried it?
One more thing: I continue to love Hokkaido, but I must report that the last time I was there I heard the waitress say to an inquisitive diner that udon noodles were made of rice! I almost butted in to correct her, but I’m not quite that annoying. I kept quiet, too intent on enjoying my spicy cold sesame noodles (not spicy at all, but quite nice), miso broiled eggplant, avocado rolls and sake.
Hooray for NP food friends!
I came across your blog while googling new paltz restaurant reviews. How funny that your blog was one of the top 10 websites founds from that search? I fully appreciate your candid opinions on these local restaurants, even if I don’t necessary agree with all of it. I do agree that Mexicali Blue has perfect burritos. It’s a reliable standby for a last-minute take out meal in my house. But what about 36 Main? We have yet to try it, and as its booked all night tonight until 9pm, seems that we’ll need to wait for a slow weekday night.
Hello Laura! Nice to (virtually) hear from you! OK, 36 Main: I have heard from lots of people that it’s dynamite. Unfortunately for me, none of those people were vegetarian. My (vegan) partner and I went in there tonight to inquire, and here’s the skinny: They seem super nice and like they have their heads screwed on straight (rare in this hippie town! Not that I’m exactly complaining about the hippie vibe, but it’s refreshing to see real chefs running a real restaurant, let me say that). They certainly seem to know their way around a kitchen (from what I hear and read) but their menu reads like a “how many dead animals can we cook in how many different techniques” sort of game. The (totally friendly and helpful hostess) told us that ***nothing*** was vegan except the steak fries (irony!), but that in the summertime when their menu changes there might be more options.
Sadness.
[...] New Paltzians: When did Mexicali Blue add tacos to their menu? Not your standard upstate NY whitie shit tacos, either (Bacchus, it is of your tacos I speak): I’m talking about blue corn tortilla tacos with beautifully seared portobello strips, fresh guac and picked red onions, slathered with homemade garlic hot sauce. I have been carrying around the Facebook status update “sometimes I seriously think about moving to LA just to be able to eat a decent taco” in my head for a while, thank you for obviating the need for me to post it, Mexicali! I must update the dining guide! [...]