things I should stop doing but probably won’t, but at least i’ll try a little more than i have been September 12, 2007

So Peter Berley emailed me today to say that “likes my blog” and he doesn’t remember me at all and I can’t hate him since I don’t know him. I SO wish he had left his remarks in a comment to the post, how awesome would that have been? But alas. It gave me only the slightest frission of flushed cheeks, then I promptly crafted a polite-enough response and put it in my “fan letters” folder and moved on with my life. I thought of modifying my post about him for about a second, then read it over, loved it all over again, and decided against it.

I shouldn’t be surprised at all that he found the blog. All egotists probably have Google alerts for their names (I do!) (is this what RSS feeds do? Could someone ´splain me?) and we have at least 2 friends in common. Recently a business acquaitenance pointed out that another business acquaitenance (make that frenemy!) copied parts of his site directly from both of our sites (compare and contrast my site and his, it’s quite fun! Note that my site is five years older, and he was once a client of mine.) People – the internet does not hide anything.

I speak from experience, sadly (or hilariously, or both), as I’ve had more than my share of comeuppances with this phenomenon.

A few years ago I wrote some crap that peripherally mentioned a friend of mine (frenemy #24601, that is) and she became so angry over not only that but my entire belief system that she told me that she wanted each of us to pretend that the other one did not exist. It’s been 6.5 years and we haven’t seen each other since, which to me shows that we weren’t really good friends in the first place but to you might be evidence that I should stop writing things on the internets.

A couple weeks ago I got really mad at a friend and wrote an e-mail to all the friends who know him saying that I was formally breaking off relations with him and generally slandering him using the friendly caps lock key and exceedingly colorful language (I had some idea that if I made my vow public I would stick to it, because this particular friend and I have a long history of getting into constant, tiring low-grade arguments). Rather unsurprisingly, he found out about the email and called me on it.

The email was way over the line. I was way too angry, and should have calmed down a little. I’ll admit to that.

But maybe that one was cosmic justice, because a few months ago I appeared barely disguised in a silly short story (it’s taking all my control not to link to it) written by YET ANOTHER frenemy as a fast-talkin’ flirty girl cock-blocking (vag-blocking, really) said frenemy (should I start a whole new category for “frenemy” posts??) at a party. I was completely unaware of said vag-block, and just truly like to talk. I made a good guy friend that night and lost a lady friend to the frenemy side, but that truly wasn’t my fault. The story was a slap in the face on a lazy internet-browsing afternoon, sigh.

So anyway. I feel that I walk this fine line between honestly calling people on their bullshit and unjustly contributing a lot of negativity to the world. All my negativity comes from a place of love, really and truly. My negativity about Peter Berley comes from love for vegetarianism and people who truly cook for joy and satisfaction, not quick money.

It’s also true that I use the blog as a dumping ground for all my unproductive anger and frustration. A private journal isn’t the same, a blog sends it much further into the universe, and though it ends up sometimes hurting people I know it would eat me alive if I didn’t work through it.

It’s also true that it gives me great and deep and satisfying pleasure to make fun of things I think are wrong and spread my horrified nasty laughter all around the internet.

And hey, don’t I get any points for the restraint I do have? I’m currently doing a big volunteer project and one person in it is making me NUTS, nuts to the point of having to pace the living room and wait 1/2 hour before I write back to any emails from him/her. And I’ve been listening to this album that I would so so so SO love to write about on the blog, all the reasons it is pathetic and sickening, but I can’t because the musician is in a circle of people I am sometimes in. And another recent album that I am dying to tear down, but will not for the same reason. I’m doing such a good job being polite – can’t I be excused for the bits that leak out every once in a while?

But oh man, it’s so easy to be so angry shut up in my vintage pink office late at night, and so much harder when I’m out in the world, looking all of our tragic little lives.

Six years ago today I was standing in lower Manhattan watching people jump to their deaths. Six years ago today I was running as fast as I could to escape what I thought was a building about to come crashing down on top of me.

In honor of the trauma of that day, I think today it’s a good idea to take a deep breath and try a little bit harder to see the good in all the fuckers who constantly get in the way of Revolution Girl Style Now.

In this olive branchey spirit, I will even plug Peter Berley’s “blog,” as he called it in the email. Hey, look, we both use grape seed oil. Wow, local grape seed oil would be wonderful – thanks PB (you’re still a poseur).

Deep breath. I’m doing the best I possibly can.